January 30, 2001 Confrontation

I learned more about self-awareness recently. There are times when I believe that if I bring up a thorny issue with someone else, that person will get defensive, and our relationship will take a hit.

That view of how another person will react is an assumption - my assumption. And often times it is incorrect.

So what drives or reinforces assumptions like that? Why do I continue to believe the other person will always respond negatively. There have been times in the past when the other person has flown off the handle when confronted. Those feel very awkward in the moment. Perhaps the reason I sometimes hesitate to table tough issues, is my fear of getting into another uncomfortable situation. So I use my assumption as a convenient excuse to avoid raising important issues. Unfortunately, when important issues don't get raised, they often fester and become worse, which severs the relationship even further.

If confrontation is tough for you for similar reasons, you might try reflecting on the episode, the behavior and the feelings. Try to identify which behaviors produced the troubling feelings that you or the other person felt. Examine the circumstances. Was it the nature of the issue itself or perhaps bad timing? Was the issue set up properly or just kind of dumped? Had you already made up your mind about right and wrong, or were you really intent on listening to understand? What were all the assumptions you held about this situation?

Confronting someone is difficult for most of us. Just remember to think about your own personal assumptions, which may be wrong, so they do not prevent you from reaching an outcome that you really want.